I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize