my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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