I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
