Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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