Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
