I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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