nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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