We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It all started with a game of naked twister.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
