I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Randomize