Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
