so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
What a dumb baby whore.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
