these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
