Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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