Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
