the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
How external is "for external use only"?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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