so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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