conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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