The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Randomize
