just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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