Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Boobs speak an international language.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
