I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
