drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Two words: nipple clamps
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