your parents love me but you hate me
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
