literally had 100 drinks last night.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
