so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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