i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
