A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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