can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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