seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My penis needs a shock collar
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
