dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
