there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
