Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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