I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
