If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The best revenge is premature balding
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
