My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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