I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
