It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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