Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
