I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
