last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
