Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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