and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
