My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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