Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
