this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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