Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
