Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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