I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
