She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
