I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
