Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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