so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
