angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
