My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize