why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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