Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
