Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
