I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
