Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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