I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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