by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
