you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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